Birthday Depression... and NO, not my OWN Birthday!

It's the eve of Baby A's 3rd birthday.... wow, 3 years! Seems crazy!!! She was my only "easy" delivery ;) Came on time, on her scheduled C section date [you can read more about her delivery HERE] and it was, overall, a relaxed hospital stay. No major complications like with Spiderman, and I had full family, friend & hubby support.

Baby A's first photo <3 Just seconds after her birth <3 

But as I scroll through pictures and memories, as I often do when my children's birthdays approach.. I am not reminded of the ease of her actual birth. I am sucked back into a vortex of never-ending screaming. My stomach begins to curl into a knot as I recount the endless visits to chiropractors, pediatrics, medications for reflux, the pain of nursing with a poor latch, the use of the SNS, and still sitting (or as we often did, pacing) throughout the night (and day) with an inconsolable child.

There are no words. As soon as I even start to THINK of those first 12 months (yes, I said 12 months) I am immediately brought to tears. I can't fathom HOW I made it through! How WE made it through!

It reminds me also though, that there is an important message in this story besides what I learned about "colic" or why, in retrospect, I think Baby A was colicky- the message is essentially NOT to judge a book by its' cover.

Now, we hear this again and again- but here's what I mean: those 12 months were the worst of my life. Trumping my divorce, the horrible war that ensued following the demise of Spiderman's dad and I's relationship, my moving, financial struggles.. it trumps all! I tried going back to work at 6 weeks, but I couldn't- there was no way. She wasn't sleeping more than 15 minutes at a time then. (and NO, I am not exaggerating.)

So thankfully, my employer had a position open when I called back about 6 months postpartum. I started work then, but rarely slept, and now was just even more hurried during the day to get things done while still attempting to get 2 kids to daycare, one kid to high school (both in towns about 30 minutes from each other) and then get to work (another half hour away) and then do it all over again on the way home.  As I'm sure every working mother experiences, it was impossible.

I felt crappy. I felt like work wasn't happy as I scurried in in the  morning and shot out in the afternoon; my kids weren't happy as they were the first dropped off and last picked up; my hubby wasn't happy because I was stressed, tired, and the financial strain of the commute and daycare was just too much. I was desperate.

Desperate. 

On top of all of this, I felt a constant barrage of 'you're a bad mom', 'you're unstable', 'you can't concentrate', 'you don't seem motivated', 'you're too emotional' from ALL areas of my life.

No one outside our home could have understood the utter despair that I was going through at that time. YOU choose to say something to someone, or implicate something in someone's direction, and you have NO IDEA how much they are actually holding on their shoulders....

... I was actually supermom then.

SUPER. MOM.

I felt like no one else could have gone through what we went through and come out on the other side. No one.

Now, no doubt there are some other colic-survivors that hear what I'm sayin here! And no doubt, there are mothers and fathers of EVERY family that have their own trials and tribulations that could preach the same message: and THAT is precisely my point.

You never know what happens inside someone's home. Inside someone's heart.

Please, new parent or old friend... do NOT prejudge a situation, or a reaction, or an overall demeanor. Ask questions, offer support, and provide love/friendship/companionship/fellowship.

Today though, as I push the trauma of those first 12 months aside, I am astounded at how far we've come. We are now delighted with our diva-licious, princess, girly-girl, mama-in-the-making, mothers-helper, mini-me... and my bestest girl in the whole world! <3 

We love you Baby A- and can't wait to celebrate your 3rd Birthday with you tomorrow! muah! xo 

We're baaaaaack (again), and we have a Graduate!

Wow, I am so sorry. Yet again it has been too long since I have inserted my two cents into the world of mommy-blogging and virtual-parenting. Albeit it is mostly because I have been busy, well, parenting.

We did also experience some technical difficulties here at the Sirois home for a short stint which got me out of the blogging habit- never a good thing.

Anyway, here I am.

And I have a Kindergarten graduate. Can you believe that?!! WHERE does the time go?!

Graduations and birthdays are often a time of reflection, and it is no different now for us, as we watch Spiderman graduate from kindergarten, and turn 6 on Thursday.

6 years old.

My little man has NO idea what has happened in that 6 years. And really, retrospectively, I am glad it has only been 6 years.

As I 've mentioned before, such as in in between parenting , my ex bf and I share custody of Spiderman, and it hasn't always been an easy, or even existent for that matter, co parenting relationship. Nonetheless, as I reflect today, I am happy to see how far we've come.

I can see past the initial anger, and the hurt - to see the gorgeous, wonderful, happy, spirited, and intelligent little man we have raised - together.

Together with each other, our spouses, Spiderman's siblings, his grandparents, his aunts and uncles, his friends, our friends.... he is ONE LOVED LITTLE BOY <3

And I am so proud at how far he's come, how far we've come, and what a magnificent life he has set before him. SO much love surrounds him from all sides- he can't lose!

I thought I would share some of my favorite "glimpses" of him through the years <3

Oh, my little Spiderman, how much has changed since you first entered kindergarten. I am so proud of the little man you are becoming, and so proud and honored to be your mommy <3 I love you! 

Orange Rhino Update- OMG I'VE STOPPED YELLING!!! (oops!) ;)

Ok, so I have a ways to go still... but I have made significant progress in my attempt at the Orange Rhino Challenge

I am FINALLY at the 2 week mark of NO YELLING! Ok, do I need to work on not yelling at my husband??? Yes. That's next ;) 

But after spending way too much time feeling like a failure , I am happy to report that I have not only mastered catching myself before I raise voice towards my kids... but I also have taken more significant steps at figuring out my triggers, and essentially making sure those triggers don't exist! 

For example: 

* getting out the house in the morning :  I now make NO plans first thing in the am. This will of course NOT work once Baby A starts school, but everyone will be older then, so I suspect it will go easier at that time. 

Now, we have Spiderman who has school in the afternoon... daddy takes Sissy to school... and Babies A and B and myself make NO early plans when we can avoid it. This alleviates the morning hustle and mommy freak outs ;) 

Now this theory obviously isn't going to work for everyone, especially our working mamas... but when we DO have something to do in the morning, I make sure I prepare everything I will need ahead of time. Lunches, diaper bags, laundry, clothes out; all that is done the night before. 

* boredom: kids get bored and whiny + infant = mommy loses her $h*t ;) 

Here in Maine the weather is finally getting nicer and we are finally escaping hibernation- thank God! Now, I make more of an effort to eliminate boredom. After breakfast, baby B goes in for a nap around 9:30 or 10am- so then the rest of us do yoga (on demand or a DVD at home) or color until we go outside around 11:30am.  

I just need to keep my mind on finding ways to remain relaxed during a normal day.

While well meaning friends and family always tell me, "take some time for yourself!" "go for a walk" or just "take a nice bubble bath"... 

* my fellow NNM mamas know that a SAHM with a husband that works sometimes 7 days a week- there is no "time for yourself". 

* If I go for a walk, it's with all the kids- and honestly- it's usually NOT fun at all. The two older kids are bickering, Baby A is complaining that she's in a stroller and not walking, and Baby B gets bored after about 5 minutes whether she's being worn or in a stroller. 

NOT relaxing. Usually results in yelling ;) 

* and I can't even PEE by myself, how am I going to take a bath>??!!!! 

Regardless, getting outside means a more relaxed and less-likely-to-yell mama. 

How are YOU doing with your Orange Rhino Challenge? Have you JOINED the challenge yet? JOIN ME!

RealMama Week Day 6 RE VISIT: My Agenda from Purejoy Parenting

RealMama Week, Day 6

I couldn't resist another opportunity to share another nugget of wisdom from Leslie Potter of Purejoy Parenting.  A huge thank to you Leslie for her work in improving the art of parenting! <3

My Agenda

 I've noticed, when having an agenda, my daughter, simply refuses to engage. Today, coming in from the grocery, I asked her to unload one of the bags. I'd taken her to lunch, bought her a sweet treat and driven her to a friend's house so I thought asking her to unload one little bag would be a piece of cake. Well, the truth is, I felt like she owed me this one small little favor since I'd given so much earlier. Ahhhh...the agenda reveals itself.

Now you might be thinking, hey Leslie, you are just teaching her how to help out at home....or maybe you are thinking she is going to get the wrong message if I don't require her to help out. And if you are, all of these thoughts ran through my head as she growled and claimed she wouldn't unload the bag. I took a deep breath and tried my big voice saying, "Meili, it is just one bag and I want you to unload it now." Growling she started emptying the bag, but slammed the goods on the table refusing to put them in the fridge.

I felt an intense heat rising in my body, as my trigger engaged.   Clearly my words were not producing the results I desired.  I knew, in my heart, what I was about to say was NOT what I wanted to say but before I could stop out spewed. "Alright then, I guess I won't be taking you to lunch or getting you a treat anymore." As those ugly words came tumbling out of my mouth, the dreaded blackmail move engaged.

As I looked at my precious daughter I knew that was NOT how I wanted to teach her to get support. Remembering, I'm the role model, I took a deep breath and said, "wow, what just came out of my mouth, isn't what I really wanted to say." What I wanted to say is, "I love you and I see you are in a big hurry to get out the door to your friends." And the moment I opened into a receptive place, including her agenda in the space, she looked at me and said, "I'm happy to help you, mom." Ah, can it really be this easy? Only when I remember to stay open, taking responsibility for my agendas, knowing she is not here to serve them.  It wasn't that she didn't want to help, it was that I was only thinking about my agenda and forgot to include her.

Practice: Become aware when you meet resistance in your child. When you do, ask yourself if your agenda is playing out, determined to defend and justify its position. See if you are willing to drop your agenda, open to receiving your child and then see what happens. Let me know what you find out!

Leslie Potter

Purejoy Parenting

www.purejoyparenting.com

* also find her on Facebook

* and follow her on Twitter

Let her know NurturingtheNaturalMama sent you!

RealMama Week: Mothering Me RE- PUBLISH

 RealMama Week, Day 3

Enjoy this beautiful post by Leslie Potter from Purejoy Parenting

Leslie Potter is the founder of Pure Joy Parenting, a joy based parenting model which supports parents in moving from a traditional fear-based model to a joy-based one, focusing on relationship and healthy attachment. She is a co-author of Chaos to Connection: 9 Heart Centered Essentials for Parenting your Teen. Leslie is a Parent Coach with a background as a body centered therapist. She created the Parent Coach model at Vive a national company working with at risk teens and their parents. In 2008, she founded Purejoy Parenting to educate and support new parents in understanding the importance of their attachment stories and how they affect their relationships with their children.

Mothering Me

Motherhood has stretched me beyond words.  How could I have known that one little soul could awaken such light, as well as illuminate such darkness.  When waiting for my daughter,  I imagined all the good aspects of being a mother.  I felt I was ready to surrender fully to the amazing opportunity I was being given.  Finally, after 44 years of waiting and preparing, I was going to be a mother.  It had taken me that long to embrace my childhood and feel I had done enough work that I wouldn't damage my child.

photo courtesy of Leslie Potter on Facebook

I was beyond excited for the opportunity to be the Mom I knew I had inside.  What I hadn't planned for was the depth of pain that would arise when I fell short.  Talk about humility!  This has been my path, and daily I bow down to my daughter for showing me the true path to loving myself.  When I am able to open to the depth of beauty and grace she provides, instead of needing her to behave the way I want her to so I look like a good mom, I can see clearly.

 I don't need her to validate me and have found I can relax and open to being a safe emotional container for her to learn and grow.  When I'm able to take full responsibility for my feelings and my stories, I am able to let her off the hook to be the beautiful light she embodies.

Learning to love myself starts with me and it is the greatest gift I offer my sweet girl.

Even though my love for her showed me the way, I learned that loving myself was up to me.  When I needed her to convince me that I was lovable, I felt the pain.  When I was finally able to step into the shoes of that amazing Mom I had inside...I began to mother ME as well as my daughter. 

How do you feel about the mom you ARE, versus the mom you thought you'd be?



* Find and 'like' Purejoy Parenting on Facebook 
* Check out her website & blog  for Leslie's Parenting Pearls and contact info 
* and be sure to follow her on Twitter 

Let her know NurturingtheNaturalMama sent you! <3

You can also check out Leslie's latest contribution to PBS here.

RealMama Week: In the Arms of Motherhood

 RealMama Week, Day 1

Our first post for RealMama week is a heartfelt description of what being a Mama means to LR Knost, from Little Hearts Books (Gentle Parenting Resources)

L.R.Knost, Christian author and homeschooling mother of six, is the founder of the nonprofit, Little Hearts/Gentle Parenting Resources, which offers Gentle Parenting workshops, speakers, and consultations in the Central Florida area as well as online Gentle Parenting resources. Her Wisdom For Little Hearts children’s book series weaves Gentle Parenting techniques into colorful, engaging stories for little ones ages 2-6. The first book in the series, Petey’s Listening Ears, was released from Lifeway in April 2011, and Addie’s Inside Voice, JoJo’s Gentle Hands, and Zoey the Happy Helper are due out soon with more to follow! For more information on Gentle Parenting or to order Little Hearts books or products, please visit www.littleheartsbooks.com or Amazon at http://t.co/dIpvluC. 

 In the Arms of Motherhood

Motherhood is very simple to me. It’s a gift to me, but it’s not about me. Period. I’m the one who chose to bring these little people into the world, so the thought that somehow they have the responsibility to fit into my life, and work around my schedule, and not disrupt my pursuit of self completely mystifies me. 

They aren’t interlopers; they are guests, invited guests! And how do we treat our guests? Do we ignore their needs or make incomprehensible demands on them or ridicule, name-call, and hit them when they misstep? Of course not! We welcome our guests with special dinners, make accommodations for their needs, and forgive their lack of knowledge of our ways. And our children deserve no less. In fact, they deserve much more! When our littlest invited guests arrive, they are welcomed with open arms that are always available, day or night. They are provided nature’s best provision for their nutritional needs. And they are gently guided by example and lovingly encouraged to become a part of a healthy family dynamic. In short, when I invite these little people into my life, it stops being my life and becomes our lives!  

Motherhood is, very simply, a lovely sacrifice. The Bible says, “Women will be saved through childbearing” (1 Timothy 2:15). I believe God is referring to the sacrifice of self that mothers willingly and lovingly live for their children as a reflection of the sacrifice Jesus made for His children on the Cross. It is a lovely retelling of the Cross played out in the arms of motherhood, again and again and again. 

Consider the young mother who gives up night after night of sleep to soothe her little ones cries, or the older mother who gives up the peace of her golden years to welcome the child of her youth back into her home when life hits hard. This laying down of self, this giving up of comforts and rights and dreams; these are losses, sacrifices, but they are lovely, beautiful beyond belief. Their loveliness lies in the soft, warm weight of a sleepy baby with a full belly and a trusting heart. Their beauty lies in the spark of hope in the tear-filled eyes of a weary adult who’s life has turned dark, but who finds home is still a safe refuge.


My children, all six of them, are precious gifts straight from God’s heart to my home. I have had other precious gifts, babies who God gave for a time to fill my womb, but who weren’t meant to fill my arms, and one He gave to fill my arms for just a moment, who wasn’t meant to stay. 

Each one of them brought with them the unique knowledge of how breathtakingly exquisite every living, breathing child is and how priceless and fragile and brief life itself can be. I do not take this knowledge lightly. I have learned to treasure the moments of life with my children. I’ve learned that it’s not about me; it’s about us. And I’ve learned that sacrifice lights up the dark places in the world, making it a more beautiful place for all of us to live.

* Find and 'Like' Little Hearts Books (Gentle Parenting Resources) on Facebook

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and let her know NNM sent you!

Making Family Time Special for Everyone

Tonight we held our 1st Family Appreciation Night   of 2013! We have a running notebook in the kitchen where family members can write ideas/comments/suggestions between FANs, and the little ones are asked about once a week if there is anything they want us to write down for them. The notebook is also there to remind everyone what we discussed at the last Night. 

from www.formulamom.com

It had been brought to our attention, by Spiderman, that we yell too much. (insert sheepish expression) As you all know I've written several times about how my one... ok, I'm sure I have more than one... but my primary vice is yelling. You can find some of my rants HERE and HERE. So, we fully unveiled the The Orange Rhino Challenge tonight! 365 Days of NO YELLING. 

from www.theorangerhino.com

* First, we have to track our yelling for 3- 4 days. I printed off the tracker example and actual tracker PDF HERE

 

* Then, I equipped all of us with age appropriate non-yelling responses/reactions. Hubby & I got the 100 Alternatives to Yelling, which will all be found in a jar and we can pick one every time we are on the verge of yelling. 

* Spiderman, Baby A, and Baby B (just for fun) all got their own rhinos. These are for them to squeeze if they are angry or upset, or to hold up if they feel someone else needs a respectful reminder. 

* ORANGE is our other reminder. There will be some orange rhino pics, like the one above, placed around the house to remind ALL Of us to be calm, present, and respectful at all times. 

Additionally, we strove to complete our 10 house rules, which will eventually become our Family Mission Statement . We added to our previous list and we so far have 6 of our 10. We will work on it until everyone feels satisfied: 

1. No yelling. 

2. Be respectful. 

3. No last minute plans or changes. 

4. Chores- we work as a team, everyone does their part. 

5. Listen to others. 

6. Hug everyday

Sissy & Spiderman last year, making Christmas cookies <3

Now some of you won't care to delve this far into our family life ;), but for those of you that want to institute a Family Appreciation Night of your own, the point of our FAN is to be FUN! Tonight was Valentine themed; so everyone got a little treat, we had hot cocoa with heart shaped marshmallows, and we made Valentines for each other. Everyone had their own printable (I just googled 'valentine printables'. easy and FREE) and had to write why they loved the other person. Each person did one for every member of the family. 

from Vday <3

made tonight, all together. and the mask is one example of the "treats" the kids got. We do NOT use candy. You could use whatever works best for your own family ;)

I think they had FUN! <3 

Then everyone had a section of this canvas, and I taped off LOVE. This is what we have so far, I will post the finished product tomorrow, once it's dry and I've had time to spruce it up with every one's name and a Sharpie!

this is the BEFORE. The AFTER I will post tomorrow when complete ;)

This will be hung above our family rules in the living room once they are complete <3 

We always try to enjoy some fun treats, so I totally forgot our new gluten free menu and grabbed a frozen organic pizza and the heart shaped marshmallows for the hot chocolate! 

The Last order of business was for our teenager, Sissy. That will be posted separately for those interested in the following post: iPhone vs the World. Enjoy! 

What do YOU do to make family moments special? Do YOU have a family mission statement? What helps you develop family bonds? Please share below, or via Twitter, Facebook , or Pinterest @mymackey. 

Nurslings: A Reflection

As I look down at you nursing 

I wonder how it's true,

Baby B

 

You are the last of three, 

and there are no more after you. 

How could time go by so fast? 

How is it we got here? 

That you would be but 9 months old 

and still determined to be near... 

You call to me all night and day 

and for now that is ok, 

for despite that I am weary

I know that you are small and won't always be that way. <3

The fact that my own body 

produces what you need, 

that keeps you strong and healthy

and requires but one thing to feed. 

I love that all my little nurslings

take solace in my face, 

a breast, a smile, a rocking chair;

by far your favorite place

or perhaps beside me as we sleep

for I am never far, 

when you wean we won't be sad

it only means what we both know;

that even though you may not need my milk 

It's my job to help you grow...

:) - Mommy

Friendship & Family .... Why do our relationships differ as soon as we become a mom?

I have a confession: I am not always a great friend. In fact, there have been many times where I have been a sh*tty friend. 

me & our friend Ali!

I have attempted to comfort myself in some way by telling myself, "well, you were just too busy being such an amazing mom that you didn't have time to be a great friend". Ha! That didn't work too well on the days I also felt like a sh*tty mom! I have had days where I feel overwhelmed... like I can barely make it to the store, let alone to lunch or a playdate! 

Then there's the added financial piece. To make a friend-date now involves a sitter, the cost of the actual outing/meal, and the gas to get there! Many times I felt I had everything else worked out and then the day would come and I just didn't have the money to get there! 

www.dreamstime.com

Subsequently, I felt like my friends (some who have kids, and some who don't) just didn't understand. I let them down... again. Recently though, I have a different "respect" for those times in my life. In hindsight, my almost disabling feelings of being overwhelmed was at least in part due to my postpartum depression.     As a family, we have had a busy (for lack of a more dramatic word) 4 years. We got engaged, moved in together, married, moved again, settled in to mixed family life with Sissy and Spiderman, then had two more children (babies A and B), and moved again into our current, beautiful, huge condo! 

Hubby has his business off the ground, he is working so incredibly hard so that I can be home with our kids. I have officially transitioned from working FT to being a SAHM and feel like I finally (and I mean, FINALLY) have time to devote to volunteering, reading, and putting effort (like true, real, honest EFFORT) into our family, our marriage, and my friends. We have instituted Family Appreciation Night , my hubby and I are participating in the Rachel Wojo Read Your Bible in a Year Challenge together, and I am making a conscious effort to pay attention and be "present" for my friends and extended family. 

These years have also taught me how to say "no". Sometimes, as a mom especially (but you don't have to be a mom to relate to this statement) you just can't do everything. That's right: You. Can't. Do. Everything. And honestly, you let less people down if you're honest. The timing doesn't work with nap time, you don't have the money, you just know you won't get to it, or you just don't want to! 

Believe me: There will come a time when you DO HAVE TIME. or you ARE ABLE. THEN you can help, check in, meet for lunch, etc. Until then, just relax. Enjoy your kids. If you feel too overwhelmed to enjoy them (because I was there too) then take the time to figure them out. Stay in your jammies all day and study them. Look them in the eye, pay attention to their every move, play with them, find out what brings them joy. In doing this, you will find joy. It will take effort. Relationships; whether it be with your children, your husband, your mother, your in laws, or your friends take effort. And I will repeat for emphasis: true, honest, whole-hearted effort. 

http://www.diapersdaisies.com/2012/10/dear-mama-babies-dont-keep.html

You need to be accountable, forgiving, loving, patient, and focused. You will not always get it right. But the glory is, we are all a work in progress. "Life is journey, not a destination" -Ralph Waldo Emerson.

What are your "tips" for maintaining healthy relationships? Friendship or otherwise... 

 

Featured Guest Post: Empress of Drac

 Attachment v Free Range Parenting: Which is Better for Your Troubled Teen?

written by

Agnes Embile Jimenez

Troubled teens are troubled for a variety of reasons. Sometimes, the teens are just trying to assert their independence and break away from the hold of the parents. Sometimes, the issues are more than behavioral and the teen is unable to control their impulses -- leading to bad decisions.

There has been some discussion on the techniques that should be used to guide these teenagers. Should the teens be given their own independence to deal with the situation? Should parents take a calm approach?

What does a parenting style have to do with how we treat troubled teens? Which parenting style is better for the child?

First, it's important to understand each of the type of parenting styles that we are comparing. Parents that practice attachment parenting are often searching for cues in the behavior of the teen, in their non-verbal and verbal signs, to provide support. Parenting with attachment parenting in mind means providing support for the child emotionally, communicating feelings with the child and having a close relationship where issues are often discussed in great lengths. 

Sissy (for the record, NOT a troubled teen) ;) and daddy <3

Parents that choose attachment parenting are likely going to be less inclined to send their children off to boarding schools to teach independence, as they are more likely to prefer a more hands-on approach in dealing with them.

Parents that have chosen more of a free range parenting approach aren't any less attentive to their children’s issues -- however, these parents may be more inclined to choose boarding schools for education (so that their children will learn to become more independent). Free range parenting techniques encourage teens to find their own independence while being accountable for their actions. Parents that have chosen this type of parenting are adamant on raising children that are capable of finding their way in the world, without their constant supervision. 

When it comes down to it -- which approach is going to be more effective for parents dealing with troubled teens? Parents should consider their own teenager and which responses have worked better in the past, as well as the personality of the teen. Parents might have to try a few different techniques when it comes to dealing with behavioral issues. There is no blanket solution; parents are going to have to experiment with what parenting style works best for their children, and their entire family.

Need some HELP with your troubled teen? 

Click HERE for a PDF of some resources available, or visit Focus on the Family directly.  

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Be sure to let her know NNM sent you! Now, Comment below, we want to know how YOU have handled or are handling your teenager(s)?? Which form of parenting works best for you? DO you have favorite resources that might help other mamas reading today?