Letter to My Husband

So many of you know, by the 'button' to the left and by following me on Facebook, that I have been in the midst of following several different Bible Studies relating to being a wife.

First, I completed the 30 day devotional, Wife After God: Drawing Closer to God and Your Husband by Jennifer Smith (aka Unveiled Wife), and then followed that by hosting a 12 week study of this devotional in my home with several women from my community.

I am now following along with Biblical Homemaking as she explores the newest book Women Living Well by Courtney Joseph (aka Women Living Well), and also following along with the weekly LIVE webcasts.

So while I'm sure the idea of this sounds lame, if not very 1950's, to many of you; I have to say that personally, this has been a wonderful and much needed journey. Having been divorced once and also experiencing an additional failed relationship, I needed to do some significant work on myself. Not just for my husband, but actually for myself, and what I've since learned: also for God.

I've talked about my spiritual beliefs before, and no, I don't consider myself some born-again Christian. I consider myself someone who finally opened the Bible, and found it relatable. And dare I say (gasp!) helpful, and inspiring!

Am I asking all of you to open your nearest Bible and BELIEVE or stop reading my blog? Absolutely not.

But I wanted to share with you THIS. THIS was a "homework" assignment in the Wife After God study, and this week in the Women Living Well study, we are in the "Complete Him" in your marriage challenge- week 1, and I felt compelled to refer back to THIS assignment.

my hubby & me, at our wedding in 2009

THIS ladies, is a Letter to my Husband. And it is sometimes even more fun to reflect on, than it was to write. 

I'd like to take a moment to suggest all of you married or seriously involved folk, take a moment (religious or otherwise) to your significant other/spouse/DP/etc and just SHARE what you LOVE about them, SHARE what you know YOU need to work on, and that you're aware of it, and then take INTENTIONAL action to do so. After all, isn't your relationship worth it???

Letter to My Husband 

Dear Hubby, 

I am so thankful to God for our marriage. I am thankful for our health, our family, and our love.
The past 30 + days I have been working on putting you and your needs, and the needs of our marriage, above all else. 

Admittedly, I have been far from perfect ;) but I hope you have noticed at least some improvement! 

I am well aware that I have much to work on. But in completing these weeks of study, and continuing with the WLW Study and webcasts; I have been able to read, meditate over, and pray about my actions and feelings as a wife. I will continue to study and pray about God's clear description in Ephesians, Corinthians, and most importantly; Proverbs 31 in how to be the best wife I can be for you, and for God~ mirroring Christ's love for the church. 

Please know that, as always, I am so appreciative of you loyalty, dedication, and tirelessness in providing for our family. Please also know that I am making significant and intentional efforts to improve myself in the areas of grace, patience, trust, respect, and [appropriate] submission; just to name a few! :) 

I know I have a ways to go- but you and our marriage are worth it! 

I am forever thankful that you are as forgiving as our own Lord Jesus: and that every time I repent and He restores, you accept. 

...then I make a mistake or misstep and we start all over! ;) 

But in all honesty, I can't imagine doing this with anyone else! THANK YOU for being you! 

I love you more and more everyday! 

....Yes, even when you're being a$$h*le! ;) 

<3 Me xoxoxoxox 

Christian or not ;) I invite you all to follow me for the most up to date information & inspiration on Facebook, Twitter, & Pinterest! 

What is your # 1 thing you LOVE about your partner? Let's all share some love! Comment HERE or #NNMlovefest 

L-R hubby, me, Spiderman, & Sissy at our wedding <3 

We're baaaaaack (again), and we have a Graduate!

Wow, I am so sorry. Yet again it has been too long since I have inserted my two cents into the world of mommy-blogging and virtual-parenting. Albeit it is mostly because I have been busy, well, parenting.

We did also experience some technical difficulties here at the Sirois home for a short stint which got me out of the blogging habit- never a good thing.

Anyway, here I am.

And I have a Kindergarten graduate. Can you believe that?!! WHERE does the time go?!

Graduations and birthdays are often a time of reflection, and it is no different now for us, as we watch Spiderman graduate from kindergarten, and turn 6 on Thursday.

6 years old.

My little man has NO idea what has happened in that 6 years. And really, retrospectively, I am glad it has only been 6 years.

As I 've mentioned before, such as in in between parenting , my ex bf and I share custody of Spiderman, and it hasn't always been an easy, or even existent for that matter, co parenting relationship. Nonetheless, as I reflect today, I am happy to see how far we've come.

I can see past the initial anger, and the hurt - to see the gorgeous, wonderful, happy, spirited, and intelligent little man we have raised - together.

Together with each other, our spouses, Spiderman's siblings, his grandparents, his aunts and uncles, his friends, our friends.... he is ONE LOVED LITTLE BOY <3

And I am so proud at how far he's come, how far we've come, and what a magnificent life he has set before him. SO much love surrounds him from all sides- he can't lose!

I thought I would share some of my favorite "glimpses" of him through the years <3

Oh, my little Spiderman, how much has changed since you first entered kindergarten. I am so proud of the little man you are becoming, and so proud and honored to be your mommy <3 I love you! 

Real Mama

Time to get down to the REAL stuff! As I was working on the next installment of our Attachment Parenting Series, a few things occurred to me. My life often does not follow the chapter of a book. However, there are some amazing things happening in this little bubble that is our home, so I thought I should share them.

As I sit here, baby A is crawling all over the place, waving to dada (who is not here, mind you). She still refuses to say mama. She cuddles with the dog, and LOVES playing action figures with her brother. It is a GORGEOUS day outside today and we just went for a walk with the dog with the baby in her Moby. We got to breathe in some MUCH needed fresh air and burn off some of those winter calories.

I was so proud of her today as she ate her banana like a big girl, and thoroughly enjoyed a wheat waffle with some maple syrup. For lunch, she indulged in a hummus sandwich with a side of organic yogurt. (How is it that she has graduated from needing me to puree everything?) Her hair is getting the toddler whisps and curls, and she is able to walk when she holds onto things. Where has the time gone?

Baby A, 1 week old

Baby A, about a week ago eating scrambled eggs :)

My toddler (aka Spiderman) is going to register for preschool on Wednesday! Wow......

On the flip side, as I sit and write weekly about cloth diapering and attached parenting, we are reminded daily of what a normal family we are. We have trouble paying our bills, we clothe the kids in items from Goodwill partially out of liking the idea of recycling clothes and partially out of necessity, we have a wish list a mile long, we struggle with discipline, and our conflicting parenting ideals.

Nonetheless, we are in this together. As wars, and tsunami's, and radiation, and collapsing governments surround us- our little family; with no cable, a limited grocery budget, cloth diapers, and choosing which bill to pay this week- will persevere together. We have a little home, and an even little-er checking account :) , but we have a LOT of love <3

 and for that, I am very thankful :)

Finally, the continuation of our Attached at the Heart Series :)

Principle 3: Responding with Sensitivity, Learning the Language of Love

 

The ability to respond to one's child is the foundation for all other principles of the attachment parenting model.  Based on this theory, one would need to be able to respond/communicate/understand one's child in order to create a secure attachment. 

"Sensitive responsiveness implies the ability to set aside one's own needs for the needs of the baby; it presupposes a change in consciousness of the parents and the capacity to feel empathy- to see the world through the eyes of their child. Babies communicate their needs in many ways, including body movements, facial expressions, and crying. They often try to tell us that they needs our attention long before they being to cry, if we only understand their attempts. As you learn to understand and respond to your infant's cues through consistency, you will build a strong foundation of trust and empathy" (p94). 

Empathy is the capacity for, and ability to treat someone else's feelings as their own. When we have empathy for our children, it means understanding and responding to how they feel/act in consistent ways. 

By reacting consistently to their physical needs, as well as emotionally interacting, playing, talking, etc- we form connection(s) with our child(ren). Many times, we get so caught up in advice, theories, and the confusion or fog of sleep deprivation that we forget to just BE with our baby. 

photo by Cathy Jourdan art prints

Personally, I missed out on a lot of this my first time around. Granted, I was also unknowingly in the throws of postpartum depression among other things, but nonetheless I was so busy worrying what I was doing "right" and what I was doing "wrong", and listening to everyone and their advice on what I "should" be doing; that I really didn't spend enough time just staring at my baby and waiting for him to tell me what he needed. 

Don't get me wrong- I think I did a swell job in the end :) , and I guess we all learn the things we 'won't' do the 'next' time when we have our first, but I definitely could have spent more time wearing him and watching him and less time worrying about if I was going to do the "wrong" thing. 

Knowing the stages of physical and emotional development from birth- 12 months can be an important step in appropriately responding to, hence bonding with, your new baby. For example, knowing when particular behaviors are 'stages' versus problems can build confidence in a new mom happy to follow her child cues versus let them 'soothe themself' (which babies actually aren't neurologically or physiologically able to do anyways), or forcing them too early to overcome separation anxiety, etc. 

And this all includes OVERNIGHT, people! WHO ever decided that babies were supposed to sleep through the night??! If your baby is crying, for God sake, WHY would you let them sit alone, in the dark, and CRY?! I know I've reference this article several times now, but if you haven't already, check out Letter from a Sleep Training Baby if you think I'm wrong.

Fussy Baby? 

Follow these simple steps by Harvey Karp in Happiest Baby on the Block; 

1. Swaddle

2. Side  (side/stomach positioning when held in parent's arms)

3. Shushing (mimics loud noise in the womb)

4. Swinging (same motion can be obtained by babywearing versus a mechanical swing)

5. Sucking (this includes nursing/nursing on demand/ bottle nursing/ pacifiers)

Toddlers & Beyond

Your babies, regardless of their age, will always need your responsiveness to their needs, both physically and emotionally. Remaining empathetic and compassionate will help you maintain that strong attachment you have worked toward. 

Showing interest in your toddler's activities, participating in child-centered play, reading, and singing are just some of the ways you can connect with and nurture your toddler. And let's be honest, your toddler (if s/he is anything like mine) is a walking billboard at this point for Independence! So feel free to follow their lead, they like that better anyway :) 

But what about the dreaded Temper Tantrum??

-Remain calm. 

-Time things right (make sure they get their consistent schedule whenever possible. For example, you're not trying to browse the mall during their naptime, etc.)

-reiterate to them their need (empathy. Let's say they are crying over a toy they want in the store... you would say "<toddlers name> really wants that toy, and s/he is very angry. I understand that your angry" and move on)

* there will obviously be variations of this based on the age of the toddler, but for more info, check out Harvey Karp's other book, Happiest Toddler on the Block .  PS. NO LIE, the feeling validation and moving on thing really does work! :) 

Last thing is this, children learn from us. The old adage of BE what you want your children to be. They learn empathy and compassion, and emotional expression from US, so always use positive parenting, and nonviolent communication. And this applies to everyone in the home, not just mom (or whomever is the primary caregiver)- keep dad (or spouse/partner) and siblings involved too. Keeping the family unit connected and emotionally attached is EXTREMELY important, especially during those trying times of baby's first year! 

How did you and/or your family hold it together during baby's first year? What do you like/dislike so far about the Attachment Parenting model?

Feed with Love & Respect: Beginning the Attachment Process

Principle 2 of Attachment Parenting : Feeding with Love & Respect

"Whether a parent is breastfeeding or bottle feeding, the purpose of this chapter is to help you understand how feeding your child enhances your future attachment relationship" (p68).

Feeding your child is more than just providing nourishment, it goes back to the old adage "food is love". Whether we are satiating our crying infants, or providing a meal at the family dinner table- it should be a time of love and connection.

Breastfeeding

(one of my fave pics, from the post Breastfeeding, My Daughters, and Body Image by The Leaky B@@b)

The reason breastfeeding is used as the initial attachment model, is because by sheer design, it provides the necessity of mom and baby to be close and touching. Touching creates bonding. Make sense?
Baby feels the warmth of your body, the softness of your skin, and can hear your heartbeat, similar to his/her experience in the womb. Since there are no ounces to measure, mom follows baby's cues on when s/he is hungry and when s/he is full.  (My own tip * NEVER wake a sleeping baby to eat. I find this utterly ridiculous! Barring any obvious medical condition, a "normal" baby will wake when they are hungry. Believe me.)

There are obviously nutritional and physiological benefits to both you and your baby when you breastfeed, as well as the facts that nursing is FREE, and always ready (versus needing to make a bottle) which are some added perks :)

Adopting?
You can breastfeed as long as at some point previously, you have passed a placenta. Use the Supplemental Nursing System to get started. 

Bottle Nursing

Yes, I said bottle-nursing. The theory? Create the same bonding experience as with breastfeeding, but with a bottle! In other words, hold the baby close to you, maintain eye contact, and read the baby's cues for when s/he is done eating, etc. Again, barring some kind of medical condition, there is no magic number of ounces your baby must eat at each feeding. S/he will let you know when they are hungry, and it will be quite clear (either by protest or by puking) that they are done :)

*My own tip: feeding schedules don't work. Baby will tell you when they need to eat and when they're done. Showing them you care about and understand their cues, lay the foundation for a strong attachment relationship later on.

*Check out my bottle recommendations at my NurtureMe Store

Dads

"A father's relationship with the baby is unique and extremely important to the child's overall development. It is important that fathers...know that they can still develop a close relationship with their baby in many ways other than feeding- such as holding or burping the baby...bathing the baby, changing a diaper, practicing infant massage, taking walks or naps together, and playfully interacting with the baby. Also, when a father nurtures the mother, he nurtures the baby" (p78).

Moms

"Feeding time is the ideal time to take a break, rest, and refuel...Just as a baby flourishes when fed by his mother, the new mother flourishes when nurtured by her partner...Mothers need frequent rest, plentiful fluids, and adequate nutrition" (p78).

The Family Table

 (Sirois family Thanksgiving 2010)

Mealtime is a time to connect, nourish, and yes, nurture :) but not just for infants cradled in our arms. The family table is a great way to connect, communicate, nourish, and nurture EVERY member of the family! Sharing wholesome, healthy meals in a calm and relatively quiet (that's right people- turn off your TV's and computers and cell phones!) environment provides for a daily strengthening of your attachment relationship.

We are just teaching our toddler how to communicate at the dinner table. We make sure to sit down to eat together every night, and now even baby A has her place at the table in her highchair, and now we are barely sitting down before our toddler starts with "so mama, how was your day? what did you do today?", etc. And we go around the table and everyone asks/answers the same questions :)

Please share how you get your family to participate in dinner discussion? Do you sit together for meals nightly/weekly/never?

A Mixed Bag for a Tired Mind :)

As I sit here with all the "ideas" I have for various upcoming blogs, and wondering which one to start with... the pressing issues swirling around my brain are those of inspiration and motivation. As a family we have so much going on right now, and so I thought- doesn't everyone feel the same way? This is clearly a relateable topic, and warrants sharing :)

Motivation
I need to get motivated. I need to lose weight. (I know, I know... 9 months on, 9 months off... but that means I only have 3 more months! ) Inherently, I need to get motivated to eat better and exercise, and I need to walk the dog. Ugh...

I'm also starting work again next week- this means I need to get my $*&! together enough to get out of the house early, get the kids to school (daycare), and get my @$$ to work! As with any working mom, this does not mean that my household duties suddenly cease. I need to make sure I remain motivated and organized enough to keep up with the laundry, the cleaning, the dog, the groceries, etc. so that my husband can continue to work his two jobs and actually have something to eat and some clean work clothes! Wow!

I have been home with my kids for almost 7 months, a first for my toddler since I have always had to work to support us, and now baby A will have her first run at spending time during the day with someone other than me. As with any mom, this is bittersweet. 

Please share your comments on how you keep it all together!

Inspiration
Everyone has someone or something that inspires them. For me, it's several people really. I have an amazing sister and brother who are far better at following their dreams than I. My sister, Michelle Collins, is a food blogger and freelance writer extraordinaire and my brother, Tim Collins, is the lead singer for the band The Sea Captains.

I also have a bestie who is one of the best parents I know, and I strive to be as amazing a mother as she is, though I'm not sure I'll ever quite make it :) But most of all, it is my husband.

I know, sappy right? But let's be honest. I am not the greatest at relationships. Post divorce, and then break up with horrendous custody battle under my belt, who am I to think I could get this one right? Somehow I did. 

And I get it, everyone says this about their own husband, but he is truly my best friend. Clearly what is needed in a marriage. Additionally, call it age... call it maturity... call it sick of the bull$&*!.. but we're both completely and utterly aware that a marriage requires work, nourishment, and nurturing.

Elizabeth Gilbert, author of Committed, describes marriage at one point in her book as "...still negotiating, still recalibrating, still working after all these years to find the correct distance between autonomy and cooperation- seeking a subtle and elusive balance that will somehow keep this strange plot of intimacy growing. They compromise a lot in the process, sometimes compromising away precious time and energy that they might have preferred to spend doing different things, separate things, if only the other person wasn't in the way..." She goes on to describe though how it is that experience, that finding balance, accompanied by the daily numbness and mindlessness that comes with cohabitation, that is what MAKES you.

Sound boring? It shouldn't be. And that 'honeymoon phase' everyone always talks about? It shouldn't EVER end!! Yes, there will be days where it gets overcast by cranky kids, or finances, or family baggage.. but in my world, everyday starts and ends with a kiss. Everyday starts and ends with the seemingly mundane, but all important 'have a great day'/ 'how was your day'. We connect. Everyday. 

 It is this dance of balance and compromise, mixed with the nourishment of intimacy (and get your mind out of the gutter people! :)  this can be as simple as making a date to cuddle on the couch and watch television while the kids are asleep), mixed with open communication and daily nurturing that makes the recipe for our 'perfect' marriage. 

His efforts for our family inspire me! His efforts encourage me to be my best for our family.

Since I'm sure this is enough sap for your Thursday night :) , fill me in on how you support/nurture/nourish your marriage or relationship?