Friendship & Family .... Why do our relationships differ as soon as we become a mom?

I have a confession: I am not always a great friend. In fact, there have been many times where I have been a sh*tty friend. 

me & our friend Ali!

I have attempted to comfort myself in some way by telling myself, "well, you were just too busy being such an amazing mom that you didn't have time to be a great friend". Ha! That didn't work too well on the days I also felt like a sh*tty mom! I have had days where I feel overwhelmed... like I can barely make it to the store, let alone to lunch or a playdate! 

Then there's the added financial piece. To make a friend-date now involves a sitter, the cost of the actual outing/meal, and the gas to get there! Many times I felt I had everything else worked out and then the day would come and I just didn't have the money to get there! 

www.dreamstime.com

Subsequently, I felt like my friends (some who have kids, and some who don't) just didn't understand. I let them down... again. Recently though, I have a different "respect" for those times in my life. In hindsight, my almost disabling feelings of being overwhelmed was at least in part due to my postpartum depression.     As a family, we have had a busy (for lack of a more dramatic word) 4 years. We got engaged, moved in together, married, moved again, settled in to mixed family life with Sissy and Spiderman, then had two more children (babies A and B), and moved again into our current, beautiful, huge condo! 

Hubby has his business off the ground, he is working so incredibly hard so that I can be home with our kids. I have officially transitioned from working FT to being a SAHM and feel like I finally (and I mean, FINALLY) have time to devote to volunteering, reading, and putting effort (like true, real, honest EFFORT) into our family, our marriage, and my friends. We have instituted Family Appreciation Night , my hubby and I are participating in the Rachel Wojo Read Your Bible in a Year Challenge together, and I am making a conscious effort to pay attention and be "present" for my friends and extended family. 

These years have also taught me how to say "no". Sometimes, as a mom especially (but you don't have to be a mom to relate to this statement) you just can't do everything. That's right: You. Can't. Do. Everything. And honestly, you let less people down if you're honest. The timing doesn't work with nap time, you don't have the money, you just know you won't get to it, or you just don't want to! 

Believe me: There will come a time when you DO HAVE TIME. or you ARE ABLE. THEN you can help, check in, meet for lunch, etc. Until then, just relax. Enjoy your kids. If you feel too overwhelmed to enjoy them (because I was there too) then take the time to figure them out. Stay in your jammies all day and study them. Look them in the eye, pay attention to their every move, play with them, find out what brings them joy. In doing this, you will find joy. It will take effort. Relationships; whether it be with your children, your husband, your mother, your in laws, or your friends take effort. And I will repeat for emphasis: true, honest, whole-hearted effort. 

http://www.diapersdaisies.com/2012/10/dear-mama-babies-dont-keep.html

You need to be accountable, forgiving, loving, patient, and focused. You will not always get it right. But the glory is, we are all a work in progress. "Life is journey, not a destination" -Ralph Waldo Emerson.

What are your "tips" for maintaining healthy relationships? Friendship or otherwise... 

 

A Mixed Bag for a Tired Mind :)

As I sit here with all the "ideas" I have for various upcoming blogs, and wondering which one to start with... the pressing issues swirling around my brain are those of inspiration and motivation. As a family we have so much going on right now, and so I thought- doesn't everyone feel the same way? This is clearly a relateable topic, and warrants sharing :)

Motivation
I need to get motivated. I need to lose weight. (I know, I know... 9 months on, 9 months off... but that means I only have 3 more months! ) Inherently, I need to get motivated to eat better and exercise, and I need to walk the dog. Ugh...

I'm also starting work again next week- this means I need to get my $*&! together enough to get out of the house early, get the kids to school (daycare), and get my @$$ to work! As with any working mom, this does not mean that my household duties suddenly cease. I need to make sure I remain motivated and organized enough to keep up with the laundry, the cleaning, the dog, the groceries, etc. so that my husband can continue to work his two jobs and actually have something to eat and some clean work clothes! Wow!

I have been home with my kids for almost 7 months, a first for my toddler since I have always had to work to support us, and now baby A will have her first run at spending time during the day with someone other than me. As with any mom, this is bittersweet. 

Please share your comments on how you keep it all together!

Inspiration
Everyone has someone or something that inspires them. For me, it's several people really. I have an amazing sister and brother who are far better at following their dreams than I. My sister, Michelle Collins, is a food blogger and freelance writer extraordinaire and my brother, Tim Collins, is the lead singer for the band The Sea Captains.

I also have a bestie who is one of the best parents I know, and I strive to be as amazing a mother as she is, though I'm not sure I'll ever quite make it :) But most of all, it is my husband.

I know, sappy right? But let's be honest. I am not the greatest at relationships. Post divorce, and then break up with horrendous custody battle under my belt, who am I to think I could get this one right? Somehow I did. 

And I get it, everyone says this about their own husband, but he is truly my best friend. Clearly what is needed in a marriage. Additionally, call it age... call it maturity... call it sick of the bull$&*!.. but we're both completely and utterly aware that a marriage requires work, nourishment, and nurturing.

Elizabeth Gilbert, author of Committed, describes marriage at one point in her book as "...still negotiating, still recalibrating, still working after all these years to find the correct distance between autonomy and cooperation- seeking a subtle and elusive balance that will somehow keep this strange plot of intimacy growing. They compromise a lot in the process, sometimes compromising away precious time and energy that they might have preferred to spend doing different things, separate things, if only the other person wasn't in the way..." She goes on to describe though how it is that experience, that finding balance, accompanied by the daily numbness and mindlessness that comes with cohabitation, that is what MAKES you.

Sound boring? It shouldn't be. And that 'honeymoon phase' everyone always talks about? It shouldn't EVER end!! Yes, there will be days where it gets overcast by cranky kids, or finances, or family baggage.. but in my world, everyday starts and ends with a kiss. Everyday starts and ends with the seemingly mundane, but all important 'have a great day'/ 'how was your day'. We connect. Everyday. 

 It is this dance of balance and compromise, mixed with the nourishment of intimacy (and get your mind out of the gutter people! :)  this can be as simple as making a date to cuddle on the couch and watch television while the kids are asleep), mixed with open communication and daily nurturing that makes the recipe for our 'perfect' marriage. 

His efforts for our family inspire me! His efforts encourage me to be my best for our family.

Since I'm sure this is enough sap for your Thursday night :) , fill me in on how you support/nurture/nourish your marriage or relationship?