I am an Attached Parent.... Who Struggles with Positive Parenting. Am I the Only One?

Attachment parenting, in the words of Attachment Parenting International, involves forming and nurturing strong an secure bonds between parents (parental figures) and their children.  

Positive parenting involves essentially, in my own cumulative definition, attaining being an attached parent by using positive discipline and parenting tools; meaning maintaining a calm environment without yelling and frustration ; which ultimately will all lead to better behavior between both the parent and children.

Now I, like many of you, have multiple children. Currently, my two smallest are 4 and 1/2 and 1 and 1/2. I am home all day, which is new for me, and have been having some trouble to adjusting to being at home and what to do with my whole day; day after day. Here in Maine, winters make it harder to get outside so the kids can run off steam.

I'm not going to lie... I get frustrated.


Just like every parent finds; the kids both need something at the same time, they're bickering, there is a perpetual cycle of nap, snack, and meal time that seems never ending, and additionally all the routine housework that needs to be done. Daily, I find myself making a conscious effort to not make my frustrations known to my kiddos.

We do time outs in our house, which normally works well, and honestly we rarely have to use that option- I'm sure I am quite spoiled and that overall my kids are very very good! When we do need them, is when I have trouble, despite making a conscious effort to be positive- to not yell or appear frustrated. Sometimes I do ok, and remain calm and positive... other times, not so much. I find myself yelling... and then needing to apologize. While no one enjoys apologizing... apologizing to your kids is the worst. You just feel like such a dope. The expression "even mommies make mistakes and use the wrong tone of voice" only works so often before you feel like... I can't possibly be teaching him anything since this is like, the 4th apology in a month!

my little Spiderman enjoying stickers & candy sent from Grammy

Happy Kiddo #1 :)

Happy Kiddo #2 w mama! :)

photo from Purejoy Parenting <3

mama and little Spiderman :)

Happy Baby A :)

Not to be confused

Positive parenting does not mean permissive parenting. Positive Parenting Solutions offers some great explanations as to the differences. Positive Parents do discipline their children, they just find alternative methods to do so. And like other attached parents, never endorse hitting or spanking or condemning the children of any kind.

I consistently review the wonderful foundations I learned through Purejoy Parenting in hopes that as my kiddos get older, it will become less and less of a conscious effort to remain calm and positive and not reveal my inherent frustration :) In the meantime, I'm assuming my occasional huff and puff/ exclamations/ or growling is not permanently damaging my kids !

No doubt that parenting is a learning experience. There is no how-to manual (although as I've mentioned previously, the books Attached at the Heart and Happiest Baby on the Block are what I consider to be appropriate new-parent-manuals) , and everyday is a learning experience for both parent and child. Particularly, in my experience, those of us with multiple children learn that what may have "worked" with one child does not suit the other and vice versa.


It is a journey I am happy to take, and am presuming that my two happy, healthy kiddos are along for the ride with me! :)  What do YOU find helps you balance and maintain a positive environment in your home??

NNM NEWS: Busy Busy Summer!

WOW! We are BUSY here at NNM: 

JUNE: 

* DADS ROCK Father's Day Giveaway 

        Going on NOW. Check Facebook and the blog for more details

* Rock a Bye Booty Review & GIVEAWAY 

         will be posted by Saturday at 9pm EST. Be sure to check it out and win some FLUFF :) 

* RealMama week is going on NOW

          Day 1     and Day 2  have already been posted, be sure to check out Day 3 of RealMama Week tomorrow with Spiritual Momma. 

* NEW WEBSITE is currently under construction- stay with us as we move to www.nurturingthenaturalmama.com *

* the next Foundations for BOTH our Purejoy Parenting and our Attachment Parenting Series will be up on the blog by the end of the week. I expect to have them both edited and posted by Sunday afternoon! 

JULY: 

* Mama Eve- Your Natural Parenting Resource will be guest posting for NNM early July

                details TBD, but be on the look out for that! She rocks!  

* Baby A's 1st Birthday: A Year in Pictures

                 will be posted by her birthday, July 20th, and I look forward to YOU sharing your kiddos past year in photos here on the blog and on Facebook. 

Attachment Parenting Series: Nurturing Touch

For those who have been following our attachment parenting series, let's discuss principle # 4 Nurturing Touch ;

Let me share with you one of the quotes in this book that has stuck with me since I first read it. It is in reference to a Doctor who toured a children's clinic in Germany before World War I.

"As he was shown about the wards, he noticed a large old woman who was carrying a very sick infant. When he inquired who the woman was, the attending physician said, "Oh that is Old Anna. When we have done everything we can medically for a baby, and it is still not doing well, we turn it over to Old Anna, she is always successful"... as she rocked and held these fragile babies. Dr Talbot introduced this kind of care when he returned to Boston, and his methods spread. In 1938, Bellevue Hospital in NY established the rule that every baby should be picked up and "mothered" on the pediatric wards; that year their death rate fell from 35% to less than 10%" (p127).

So clearly, simply holding a baby will not answer all of our infant problems in the world, but just take a look around at other mammals. They carry babies on their backs, or hold them close to their chest, and encouraging a reciprocating touch relationship. Infants in certain African tribes have been found in research to be with their mothers (directly, as in being held or worn) 70% of the time, versus infants in the US and England, which conversely are only with their mothers (as described above) 25% of the time, and in daycares a mere 14% of the time.

Kangaroo Care

I know I have mentioned kangaroo care before, but this is one of the prime examples of nurturing touch, especially when it comes to premature infants. Essentially it describes skin to skin contact between the mothers (caregivers) and the infants. Babies that experience kangaroo care have been shown to gain weight faster, sleep better, nurse better, and have more stable heart rates and temperatures.

Chiropractic & Infant Massage

As I mentioned in my post about my own experience with chiropractic and infant massage , the benefits of each can be overwhelming. Both can help with nursing/latch issues, allergies, relaxation, general improvement in immune system, and overall improvement in the parent-child bonding experience. Infant massage classes are also available now in most communities.



photo courtesy of New England Chiropractic Westbrook, Maine



Babywearing

We've already discussed the topic of babywearing in fairly significant detail in A Parent's Call to Arms, and I'm an Attached Parent, Are You?  The moral of the babywearing story is this, every other culture in the world (yes, the world) besides Americans and much of England, wear their babies; and none of those cultures experience what we describe as colic. Hmmmmm....



Since this theory of Nurturing Touch carries through past infancy to continue the bonding experience with your child, older children can still enjoy massages and even the benefits of chiropractic. Additionally, frequent hugs and snuggles are also recommended. :)

How do you practice nurturing touch in your home? Have you tried infant massage or chiropractic? What were your thoughts?

Sunday Surf

There were so many great articles this week, I'm not even sure where to start. After a week that went quite awry for our family, this weekend has been a nice refreshing way to re start.

The first piece I found incredibly eye opening, and making me long for an organic mattress, was this post by The Clean Bedroom

Your Chemical Mattress describes how the albeit helpful, flame retardants in our mattress make any conventional mattress a square chemical plant. While I find my mattress incredibly comfortable, it never occurred to me as green as we try to be as a family, that our mattresses were probably the worst offender! Although I am embarrassed to admit it, we have a hand me down crib mattress that we used for my son AND baby A, my little Spiderman does have a new twin mattress that my parents were able to get him for his birthday last year, my stepdaughter has a futon with one of those foam egg crates over the futon mattress, and my hubby and I share a glorious new queen size mattress that we got an amazing deal- but now, we can see why. 

Naturally Organic, photo courtesy of The Clean Bedroom

I also wouldn't have thought that organic mattresses would have even been an option for our family financially. But perusing the website, they have organic crib mattresses that start at only $259 and come with a  FREE crib sheet (organic crib sheets can run upwards of $19.99/each at other locations. They also have kids mattresses for as low as $599!

You also have the option of checking out their Showroom Floor Models Clearance for incredible as-is deals! So all in all, a great post that made it so that this family is saving up for our new mattress purchases! :)

My next post of the week totally WARMED my heart! Across the Hall featured in Natural Parents Network confirmed my belief that you can be an attached parent/natural parent, regardless of how 'strictly' you follow the principles. I have mentioned on multiple occasions that my children both, like the child in this article, showed me when they were ready to no longer co sleep. They too, became fussy and restless until laid in their own cribs. So in my case, I am still an attached parent even from the next room. :)

UGH! and someone had an amazing post on alternatives to teething gels, etc. and can I find it right now??! no. and in fact, my teething infant is screaming in the background- so I better call it quits. If you know which article I'm talking about- please post the link below in comments for all to view! THANK YOU <3


Feel free to share your fave finds of the week below as well!

Finally, the continuation of our Attached at the Heart Series :)

Principle 3: Responding with Sensitivity, Learning the Language of Love

 

The ability to respond to one's child is the foundation for all other principles of the attachment parenting model.  Based on this theory, one would need to be able to respond/communicate/understand one's child in order to create a secure attachment. 

"Sensitive responsiveness implies the ability to set aside one's own needs for the needs of the baby; it presupposes a change in consciousness of the parents and the capacity to feel empathy- to see the world through the eyes of their child. Babies communicate their needs in many ways, including body movements, facial expressions, and crying. They often try to tell us that they needs our attention long before they being to cry, if we only understand their attempts. As you learn to understand and respond to your infant's cues through consistency, you will build a strong foundation of trust and empathy" (p94). 

Empathy is the capacity for, and ability to treat someone else's feelings as their own. When we have empathy for our children, it means understanding and responding to how they feel/act in consistent ways. 

By reacting consistently to their physical needs, as well as emotionally interacting, playing, talking, etc- we form connection(s) with our child(ren). Many times, we get so caught up in advice, theories, and the confusion or fog of sleep deprivation that we forget to just BE with our baby. 

photo by Cathy Jourdan art prints

Personally, I missed out on a lot of this my first time around. Granted, I was also unknowingly in the throws of postpartum depression among other things, but nonetheless I was so busy worrying what I was doing "right" and what I was doing "wrong", and listening to everyone and their advice on what I "should" be doing; that I really didn't spend enough time just staring at my baby and waiting for him to tell me what he needed. 

Don't get me wrong- I think I did a swell job in the end :) , and I guess we all learn the things we 'won't' do the 'next' time when we have our first, but I definitely could have spent more time wearing him and watching him and less time worrying about if I was going to do the "wrong" thing. 

Knowing the stages of physical and emotional development from birth- 12 months can be an important step in appropriately responding to, hence bonding with, your new baby. For example, knowing when particular behaviors are 'stages' versus problems can build confidence in a new mom happy to follow her child cues versus let them 'soothe themself' (which babies actually aren't neurologically or physiologically able to do anyways), or forcing them too early to overcome separation anxiety, etc. 

And this all includes OVERNIGHT, people! WHO ever decided that babies were supposed to sleep through the night??! If your baby is crying, for God sake, WHY would you let them sit alone, in the dark, and CRY?! I know I've reference this article several times now, but if you haven't already, check out Letter from a Sleep Training Baby if you think I'm wrong.

Fussy Baby? 

Follow these simple steps by Harvey Karp in Happiest Baby on the Block; 

1. Swaddle

2. Side  (side/stomach positioning when held in parent's arms)

3. Shushing (mimics loud noise in the womb)

4. Swinging (same motion can be obtained by babywearing versus a mechanical swing)

5. Sucking (this includes nursing/nursing on demand/ bottle nursing/ pacifiers)

Toddlers & Beyond

Your babies, regardless of their age, will always need your responsiveness to their needs, both physically and emotionally. Remaining empathetic and compassionate will help you maintain that strong attachment you have worked toward. 

Showing interest in your toddler's activities, participating in child-centered play, reading, and singing are just some of the ways you can connect with and nurture your toddler. And let's be honest, your toddler (if s/he is anything like mine) is a walking billboard at this point for Independence! So feel free to follow their lead, they like that better anyway :) 

But what about the dreaded Temper Tantrum??

-Remain calm. 

-Time things right (make sure they get their consistent schedule whenever possible. For example, you're not trying to browse the mall during their naptime, etc.)

-reiterate to them their need (empathy. Let's say they are crying over a toy they want in the store... you would say "<toddlers name> really wants that toy, and s/he is very angry. I understand that your angry" and move on)

* there will obviously be variations of this based on the age of the toddler, but for more info, check out Harvey Karp's other book, Happiest Toddler on the Block .  PS. NO LIE, the feeling validation and moving on thing really does work! :) 

Last thing is this, children learn from us. The old adage of BE what you want your children to be. They learn empathy and compassion, and emotional expression from US, so always use positive parenting, and nonviolent communication. And this applies to everyone in the home, not just mom (or whomever is the primary caregiver)- keep dad (or spouse/partner) and siblings involved too. Keeping the family unit connected and emotionally attached is EXTREMELY important, especially during those trying times of baby's first year! 

How did you and/or your family hold it together during baby's first year? What do you like/dislike so far about the Attachment Parenting model?