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Sunday, May 15, 2011

Too Beautiful for Earth: Heaven's Newest Angel Baby

Some say they are too beautiful for this Earth, others say they are so special God hand picks them as his Angels... however you phrase it, Heaven has it's newest Angel Baby... mine. 


The Doctor said I had been "struck by lightening twice"- I have now conceived twice while on the pill. And I get it, with so many women who struggle with infertility out there, how is it that someone like me conceives TWICE on the pill? I have no idea. First time I can chalk it up to perhaps imperfect compliance, this time-  I have no explanation. Nonetheless, it happened.

So just as anyone who thought they were being "safe" that finds out they're pregnant would do, I freaked. I had a complete and utter panic attack. I have a nine month old, I'm still on medication for PPD (the label for which says it can cause birth defects), I've been taking the pill, and drinking alcohol! EEK! So I go to the Doctor, who draws some blood... assures me I'm probably early enough where it won't matter... and talks me down of my stress-cliff. I go home more self assured and semi- ready to try and explain this to my husband.

Needless to say, by the next day the thoughts have sunk in and we're ready to dig in our heels and make our growing family fit into our tiny apartment, and even spent well into the night before chatting about names and the other idle chit chat that goes along with the beginning stages of pregnancy.

That's when we got the call.

I would need my bloodwork rechecked the following day at my OBGYN's office. When my OB called, the conversation started with "I am so sorry..."

What?! You're sorry about what???....

My HCG levels had dropped, and I was told if I hadn't already, I was having a miscarriage.


"This is not a viable pregnancy."  What does that even mean? Simple translation: Your baby is dead. Now I get it, to some this seems dramatic- especially for someone who was probably only 6- 8 weeks pregnant. But my baby's heart was beating. My baby was alive, and is now dead. 

The few family members we had told have attempted to console us with the ever popular "something just wasn't right", or "your body just wasn't ready", or "everything happens for a reason"- and while I can appreciate all of that, it still means my baby is gone.  And what makes me feel the worst, is that s/he was so tiny at such an early gestation.... I get a lump in my throat even just THINKING about typing this... that s/he probably got.... gulp..... flushed down the toilet.

I, for all intents and purposes, could have flushed my baby down the toilet.

This devastates me most of all.


But the biggest lesson I have learned from all of this, is that miscarriage is such a silent and lonely struggle. You don't tell anyone because you don't want people to think you're just seeking pity, but then everyone around you is going on with their daily lives, talking about the night out with friend A, or their trip to the bar with friend B, and you were just told your baby is dead. And no one ever knew your baby even existed.

How do you get support? Who do you talk to? You're certainly not going to go around asking 'hey, have you had a miscarriage? I just did and I'm not sure what to do next'.

I have at least found the following links which have either brought some peace/support to me, or I feel could help others:

My Forever Child: Memorial Jewelry

We Were Gonna Have a Baby, but we Had an Angel Instead

Bethany's Baby from Bethany's blog

And I have found much needed solace in my husband, and in our Church. And tonight, as I rocked my baby A to sleep, I held her a little tighter, kissed her forehead a bit longer, drew in a deeper breath of her warm baby smell, waited for her own breathing to even, and then laid her down and watched.... and then did what I haven't done in ... well, I think my whole life... I prayed. I prayed to whoever this God is, that my other babies stay safe. And that I wanted to thank Him SO much for the blessings I DO have in my life. My two existing, healthy, happy babies... my wonderful husband.. my beautiful step daughter... my family.... my friends...

and then I asked Him, pretty please, if He could just take tonight, to rock my baby to sleep...

12 comments:

  1. Dear Theresa,

    I am so sorry to hear of your miscarriage. I cannot imagine the pain you must feel. I am happy though that you have found a faith community to help you through these difficult times. We do not know why these awful things happen, but we can trust that God has a plan and He keeps us firmly in His grip at all times. I have gone through so many difficult things in the past several years and it is my faith in God that has sustained me. He will help you through this and it already seems like you are helping others you have had their heart broken in the same way.

    I am reading this great devotion called Jesus Calling. It is written as if Jesus is speaking to you. Here is one of my favorites. I have been going through a difficult time for years now. It just takes faith to keep on going. We are not a...lone! I hope it speaks to you as well: "I have promised to meet all of your needs according to My glorious riches. Your deepest, most constant need is for My peace in the garden of your heart, where I live; but there are weeds growing there too: pride, worry, selfishness, and unbelief. I am the gardener, and I am working to rid your heart of those weeds. I do My work in various ways. When you sit quietly with Me, I shine the light of My presence directly into your heart. In this heavenly light, peace grows abundantly and weeds shrivel up. I also send trials into your life, When you trust me in the midst of trouble, peace flourishes and weeds die away. Thank Me for troublesome situations; the peace they can produce far outweighs the trials you endure."

    You and your family will be in my prayers.
    Love,
    Sarah

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  2. http://mnssams.blogspot.com/2011/05/mothers-day.html

    an amazing blog describing another womans struggle with miscarriage and her incredible tragedy, yet at the same time, she keeps her faith & strength. She and her family are so inspiring....

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  3. I feel like some of my comment here must not have posted, thank you Sarah for your thoughts.. <3

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  4. I lost my little angel at 13wks & 4 days I've waited so long for her to come to me & now she's gone before I ever got to hear her tiny heart beat now my heart is broken & I don't know what to do :(

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  5. oh I am so sorry for your loss lisac - definitely check out the site Unspoken Grief- I found some significant support and solace there. also, I truly would not have gotten through the first few weeks without my therapist, my support system (family, hubby, etc), and my church. I hope this helps. Feel free to email me if there is anything I can do for you- mymackey@gmail.com

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  6. I lost my angel at 38 weeks pregnancy.. I'll miss you Asarah our sweet little daughter. Please guard, guide & watchover over your brother who's 1year old now..

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  7. I have a son 4 years old and a daughter 9 months old. We got my one tube that was working tied after we had our daughter. The doctor said that my right side never developed and that it was a miracle that I got pregnant with my both of them. On 4-21-12 we found out that I was pregnant. I was in complete shock amd so excited at the same time. We went to the doctor to make sure the 6 pregnancy test were true. Sure enough they were. A week later i started bleeding. We went to the hospital and they could not find the baby. After doing bloodwork and went to the doctor the next day he had confirmed my fear. I had lost the baby. I was only 7 weeks along but he/she was suppose to be here close to christmas and a child of mine. I an having a really hard time cause it is still crazy to think that i got pregnant after getting my tubes tied and having two other children with only half of my stuff working. I wanted this baby so much!!!! I have two miracle babies cause he was born 10 weeks early and i was on bed rest with her for 6 months. I have an angel baby also. We named the baby JC (jentry chance). I have a hard time thinking i will never get to hear JC laugh or cry or be in my arms. I know some day I will get hold JC but it doesn't help the pain now. I dont know what to do.

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    1. I'm sorry and know how you feel. I found out I was pregnant on April 16th after being told I couldn't have anymore. Our baby was due dec. 17th, the day my husband and I met, we lost it May 6th, my husbands birthday. It hurts so much and most people cant comprehend why when I was only 8 weeks....!

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  8. Thank you.

    We just lost our second baby/second pregnancy. Still in the painful process. It does help some, knowing I am not alone.

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  9. I'm really sory for your lost! We lost our babyboy at pregnancy week 19! it's a very hard period after the lost, but i have to move on! I'm only 15 years old, but I felt ready to be a mother, and I saw realy forward to it, but as you say: they are too beautiful for this Earth, others say they are so special God hand picks them as his Angels!
    I hope my baby now is a angel and is watching over me! Hope I can meet him someday in heaven!

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  10. Thank you to all who have shared their stories here. Another great resource to seek support and some solace is @Unspoken Grief. You can find them on FB or via Google. Please feel free to INBOX me anytime if you need to chat. siroismama@gmail.com

    God bless!

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  11. I found your blog entry while looking for a good picture for a entry about baby loss on my blog. The thought of flushing the baby is one that hit very close to home for me. I just wanted to say that I'm sorry you've been through it too.

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