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Friday, July 19, 2013

Birthday Depression... and NO, not my OWN Birthday!

It's the eve of Baby A's 3rd birthday.... wow, 3 years! Seems crazy!!! She was my only "easy" delivery ;) Came on time, on her scheduled C section date [you can read more about her delivery HERE] and it was, overall, a relaxed hospital stay. No major complications like with Spiderman, and I had full family, friend & hubby support.

Baby A's first photo <3 Just seconds after her birth <3 
But as I scroll through pictures and memories, as I often do when my children's birthdays approach.. I am not reminded of the ease of her actual birth. I am sucked back into a vortex of never-ending screaming. My stomach begins to curl into a knot as I recount the endless visits to chiropractors, pediatrics, medications for reflux, the pain of nursing with a poor latch, the use of the SNS, and still sitting (or as we often did, pacing) throughout the night (and day) with an inconsolable child.

There are no words. As soon as I even start to THINK of those first 12 months (yes, I said 12 months) I am immediately brought to tears. I can't fathom HOW I made it through! How WE made it through!

It reminds me also though, that there is an important message in this story besides what I learned about "colic" or why, in retrospect, I think Baby A was colicky- the message is essentially NOT to judge a book by its' cover.

Now, we hear this again and again- but here's what I mean: those 12 months were the worst of my life. Trumping my divorce, the horrible war that ensued following the demise of Spiderman's dad and I's relationship, my moving, financial struggles.. it trumps all! I tried going back to work at 6 weeks, but I couldn't- there was no way. She wasn't sleeping more than 15 minutes at a time then. (and NO, I am not exaggerating.)

So thankfully, my employer had a position open when I called back about 6 months postpartum. I started work then, but rarely slept, and now was just even more hurried during the day to get things done while still attempting to get 2 kids to daycare, one kid to high school (both in towns about 30 minutes from each other) and then get to work (another half hour away) and then do it all over again on the way home.  As I'm sure every working mother experiences, it was impossible.

I felt crappy. I felt like work wasn't happy as I scurried in in the  morning and shot out in the afternoon; my kids weren't happy as they were the first dropped off and last picked up; my hubby wasn't happy because I was stressed, tired, and the financial strain of the commute and daycare was just too much. I was desperate.


On top of all of this, I felt a constant barrage of 'you're a bad mom', 'you're unstable', 'you can't concentrate', 'you don't seem motivated', 'you're too emotional' from ALL areas of my life.

No one outside our home could have understood the utter despair that I was going through at that time. YOU choose to say something to someone, or implicate something in someone's direction, and you have NO IDEA how much they are actually holding on their shoulders....

... I was actually supermom then.


I felt like no one else could have gone through what we went through and come out on the other side. No one.

Now, no doubt there are some other colic-survivors that hear what I'm sayin here! And no doubt, there are mothers and fathers of EVERY family that have their own trials and tribulations that could preach the same message: and THAT is precisely my point.

You never know what happens inside someone's home. Inside someone's heart.

Please, new parent or old friend... do NOT prejudge a situation, or a reaction, or an overall demeanor. Ask questions, offer support, and provide love/friendship/companionship/fellowship.

Today though, as I push the trauma of those first 12 months aside, I am astounded at how far we've come. We are now delighted with our diva-licious, princess, girly-girl, mama-in-the-making, mothers-helper, mini-me... and my bestest girl in the whole world! <3 

We love you Baby A- and can't wait to celebrate your 3rd Birthday with you tomorrow! muah! xo 

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