RE PUBLISH: Too Beautiful for Earth, Heaven's Newest Angel Baby is Mine ...

This article has been re published in honor of 
October, Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month 


Some say they are too beautiful for this Earth, others say they are so special God hand picks them as his Angels... however you phrase it, Heaven has it's newest Angel Baby... mine. 

The Doctor said I had been "struck by lightening twice"- I have now conceived twice while on the pill. And I get it, with so many women who struggle with infertility out there, how is it that someone like me conceives TWICE on the pill? I have no idea. First time I can chalk it up to perhaps imperfect compliance, this time-  I have no explanation. Nonetheless, it happened.

So just as anyone who thought they were being "safe" that finds out they're pregnant would do, I freaked. I had a complete and utter panic attack. I have a nine month old, I'm still on medication for PPD (the label for which says it can cause birth defects), I've been taking the pill, and drinking alcohol! EEK! So I go to the Doctor, who draws some blood... assures me I'm probably early enough where it won't matter... and talks me down of my stress-cliff. I go home more self assured and semi- ready to try and explain this to my husband.

Needless to say, by the next day the thoughts have sunk in and we're ready to dig in our heels and make our growing family fit into our tiny apartment, and even spent well into the night before chatting about names and the other idle chit chat that goes along with the beginning stages of pregnancy.

That's when we got the call.

I would need my bloodwork rechecked the following day at my OBGYN's office. When my OB called, the conversation started with "I am so sorry..."

What?! You're sorry about what???....

My HCG levels had dropped, and I was told if I hadn't already, I was having a miscarriage.

"This is not a viable pregnancy."  What does that even mean? Simple translation: Your baby is dead. Now I get it, to some this seems dramatic- especially for someone who was probably only 6- 8 weeks pregnant. But my baby's heart was beating. My baby was alive, and is now dead.

The few family members we had told have attempted to console us with the ever popular "something just wasn't right", or "your body just wasn't ready", or "everything happens for a reason"- and while I can appreciate all of that, it still means my baby is gone.  And what makes me feel the worst, is that s/he was so tiny at such an early gestation.... I get a lump in my throat even just THINKING about typing this... that s/he probably got.... gulp..... flushed down the toilet.

I, for all intents and purposes, could have flushed my baby down the toilet.

This devastates me most of all.

But the biggest lesson I have learned from all of this, is that miscarriage is such a silent and lonely struggle. You don't tell anyone because you don't want people to think you're just seeking pity, but then everyone around you is going on with their daily lives, talking about the night out with friend A, or their trip to the bar with friend B, and you were just told your baby is dead. And no one ever knew your baby even existed.

How do you get support? Who do you talk to? You're certainly not going to go around asking 'hey, have you had a miscarriage? I just did and I'm not sure what to do next'.

I have at least found the following links which have either brought some peace/support to me, or I feel could help others:

My Forever Child: Memorial Jewelry

We Were Gonna Have a Baby, but we Had an Angel Instead

Bethany's Baby from Bethany's blog

And I have found much needed solace in my husband, and in our Church. And tonight, as I rocked my baby A to sleep, I held her a little tighter, kissed her forehead a bit longer, drew in a deeper breath of her warm baby smell, waited for her own breathing to even, and then laid her down and watched.... and then did what I haven't done in ... well, I think my whole life... I prayed. I prayed to whoever this God is, that my other babies stay safe. And that I wanted to thank Him SO much for the blessings I DO have in my life. My two existing, healthy, happy babies... my wonderful husband.. my beautiful step daughter... my family.... my friends...

and then I asked Him, pretty please, if He could just take tonight, to rock my baby to sleep...

Simplifying the Holidays: ReVAMP those Easter baskets! (Re publish)

Avoid the basket of crap.

Yes, crap. Crap plastic, crap stuffed animals which will collect dust and never be looked at again, crap candy, and commercialized cards and other trinkets. This will save you money, piece of mind, and probably a few pounds on the scale :)

As I read the Eco-Easter basket ideas available through Celebrate Green today, it got me thinking about all of this..... well, crap. 

I described in Crafty Mama, how I simplified the Christmas holiday for my family this year. We, as a family, do not typically celebrate what I have branded as Hallmark holidays like Valentine's Day. However, this year my toddler did make adorable all-natural versions of the Rice Krispie treat at school, which were adorable and delicious (although I only got a bite, since he ate the rest lol)

So for Easter, what do you do? Do your kids really need a bucket full of chocolate and some marshmallow type substance pressed into the shapes of bunnies and chicks? Probably not (just a guess) :)

And no, they also do NOT need a real bunny for Easter! Bunnies and Easter DON'T MIX

Are there alternatives?

 YES! 1, which I did last year- No gifts. Have them paint some eggs with food coloring you already have in your house, then hide them, and my toddler had a blast finding all his eggs! That was enough for him, and my wallet.

My friend Christine, who wrote an article for REThinking Everything Magazine, came up with the following natural option for her toddler;

Other ideas include one natural toy, filling a small basket with some exotic fruits and a small handful of all natural candy or other treats they don't normally get. Grab a coloring book or some recycled paper and a pack of new crayons or markers (there are also natural options, like the ones available at Hip Mountain Mama) and create some Easter-theme crafts together.

You can find a lot to do/make/enjoy this Easter holiday that does not involve synthetic plastics, large stuffed animals, mass produced cards which waste paper, and the previously ever-popular basket full of candy!

Disclaimer: This short blog is focusing solely on the commercialization and artificiality of many holidays, I am well aware that there are religious implications which I am (purposely) completely ignoring.

Lastly, you WILL see me at some point before the end of April, enjoy my one decadent (albeit artificial and probably utterly disgusting if I ever took the time to read the label) Cadbury Cream Egg :) Spring just wouldn't be the same without it.

How do you simplify your holiday(s)? And what's your guilty pleasure?

RealMama RE VISIT: Birth Plan Kinks

 RealMama week, day 5

Enjoy this reader's story about her journey to motherhood. Thank you to Amanda, for your genuine portrait of your birth story is a perfect piece for RealMama week. 

The Perpetual Birth Plan Kink: 

"You're going to need a C section"

It was February 8th, 2011 and I had a routine doctor's appointment.  I was 39 weeks pregnant and just waiting for labor to kick in.  The doctor had been telling me my entire pregnancy that I was measuring big for my gestational age, but showed no concern for my size.  I am only 5'3", I had a belly that was really out there!  The doctor told me at 38 weeks that if the baby was measuring over 9lbs that a c-section would be my best option for mine and the baby's safety.  39 weeks came, we went to get the ultrasound and he was measuring in the 90th percentile for length and weight...at 9lbs, 14oz!  The c-section was scheduled for that night and the next few days are a blurry haze of phone calls, delivery, recovery...and life begins with my new son!

photo from Google Images

 He was born a week early to the day of his due date, a beautiful healthy boy weighing 8lbs 13oz and 20.5" long.  The c-section was scheduled for 7pm on February 8th, it was 2pm when I left the doctors office and
I had to be at the hospital at 4!

The first person I called was my mom, who lives 4 hours away, to tell her today was the day and she had to hurry and get down here.  Many calls later, my husband and I were sure we had notified everyone.  We left the doctors office and ran a few errands and went home to get our stuff.  It all seemed so surreal at that point, we were about to be parents and our lives were going to change forever...

I had already had my bags packed quite a few weeks ago, so we just relaxed (to the best of our ability at that point) and waited to go to the hospital, savoring our last few moments of life with just the two of us.  Arriving at the hospital, things started immediately; my prep for my c-section pretty much started from the minute I got there.  I actually got into the operating room to have him earlier than scheduled, I was scheduled for a 7pm delivery and ended up having him at 6:44pm.  I think we were actually in the operating room an hour ahead of schedule.

My husband was setting up our room with all of our stuff and we were just getting settled in and the nurses came in and said they had the operating room ready and were going to take me early...see why this day was such a blur?  I didn't even get to really see or hold my son for hours after he was born.  I held him for a few minutes while they wheeled me back to my room, but after that he was placed on a warmer on the other side of the room while my family all came in and "oohed" and "aah-ed" over him for an hour or so.  We ended up leaving the hospital 2 days early because we were both doing so well. I had been up walking and showering the next day without pain meds, and my son wasn't jaundiced, and he was breastfeeding like a champ, so the hospital didn't feel it necessary to keep us there the full stay.

I now have a big, beautiful, exclusively breastfed, healthy, strong, smart baby boy who is (unbelievably) 4 months old now.  I find it hard to believe it's been 4 months already, but I love watching him grow and change everyday.  I am looking forward to seeing what new developments come in this next month and all the months to come in his life.



What was your birth story like? Planned, emergency, did it go as it thought you would- why/why not? 

RealMama RE PUBLISH: Spiritual Momma & Living Mindfully

RealMama Week, Day 4

Todays post comes to us from Sarah, "mother" of Spiritual Momma :)

I am not just a mother. Imagine that! I am a woman, a lover, a friend, a daughter, a friend, a tree hugger, an asshole and a junkie for anything that makes me feel good. I have almost gone off the deep end, several times. Somehow, someway I found myself in the madness and now I want to share that with you.

Living Mindfully, RealMama Style.

photo courtesy of Spiritual Momma on Facebook

I like to get right to the heart of the matter; It has become really clear that my role as a mother is to guide my children on the journey of their spirit. This journey of course, starts with me and the journey of my own spirit. 

My journey has not been graceful; in fact I would venture to say my ride has been messy, traumatic and glorious. Unfortunately I learn the hard way (and so do my children). If I could pass a few ounces of wisdom onto my children.. just a few… they would be:

          *Listen & trust your intuition little noodle, always follow your heart

          *Believe in yourself and that all things are possible

          *Celebrate your BE-ingness (you are special and so very loved)

          *Live in this moment, right now- it’s all you have

          *Life is on your side, so DREAM BIG! and then some

I believe that as a mother, I am to love and support my kiddos no matter what. Even through times of disappointment, fear and uncertainty. Furthermore, I want to live mindfully; at peace with what is, and in touch with myself and the flow of life. 

What I have found is that in order to do so; I must heal my own wounds, seek awareness and acceptance for what is, relinquish my incessant need to control the uncontrollable and allow myself to love and experience joy. 

This means I just refuse to save my kids from scraping their knees on the sidewalk, or harping on them to follow every stupid rule. Life will teach them that, I am certain. I want to show them how to live mindfully, and hopefully make a difference one day. 

Perfection is not an option. This means some moments are difficult, messy, and painful. This is my cue to go within and mother myself. My children are not the problem, and certainly not the source of my discomfort. My children have been my greatest gift,  and have revealed to me time and time again,  that which had not been healed within me. 

just one of the many cool items available at Spiritual Momma's Etsy boutique

So perhaps right now is an excellent time to ask yourself what motherhood means to you...

In closing, I will share one of my greatest comforts: I am free to change my mind or revise anything at any time. 

-Spiritual Momma

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